Take it or leave it?

Sighhh. I don't like making decision because I had too much regrets and I always made wrong decision.

Life is like a stairs, th higher you climb th more things you need to worry. Whether what is ahead? Is it stable? Would you fall? Who will be dere for you? As I get older, dere are really more things I need to decide i need to think. I donno whether I should take up the offer by them. Or should I wait other opportunities? But my worries is if i accepted this job other people reply my resume and able to offer higher pay. What should I do? But then again if I rejected from others and I will lose this job as well. Tell me. What should I do? If only you are still with me, I can discuss w you and seek your advice. Now you don't even want to reply me. Haiis. Another day filled w tears and pain.

As usual, I shall make my praying regular so whenever I write a new post I'll pray to god. Hope this would show my sincerity. (:

Dear god,

I hope everything is fine in Taiwan and he is healthy and happy most importantly. If there is a bonus I would like patching back w him. For myself, I would hope to find a good and stable job w appropriate pay. That is major worries for now. Of course as well as him. Thanks god for hearing me out. Love you.

Flooding myself w tears to rest is a daily thing. ):

Things has changed... ...

As th title goes, YES things has changed. Sad to say I'm no longer his girl. The one that used to cry for him and the one that wait for his reply. Would I ever get this chance again? *Pray hardhard!*

Guess wad, I just realise that my life is full of regrets. I'm really stoopid. I told myself not to commit th same mistake before but yet again I did. For wad fcuk?! Why didn't I learn my lesson? Isn't th lesson hard enough? Why why why ??? Fine. I admit I'm stoopid. I'm stoopid. I bet god really want make me learn my lesson in th hard way. SIGHH. Useless to speak anything now. Shall wait for him to return from Taiwan then only I know what will happen.

Dear GOD,

Please give me another chance. Just one last one will do. I really really promise I'll treasure w all my heart. I'm not good in words, I donno what to say or do to seek his forgiveness. But please believe me that my feeling for him is true. And please please please keep him healthy. Keep him happy. Whatever good things please fall on him. The rest... ... ... I'll take for him. As long he is safe and sound and happy.

LIFE IS NOOOOOOOOOOT GOOD FOR ME NOW !

Crying hard everyday just makes my eye swollen !

Goldfish eyes is my closest friend now (:

Give me strength to be strong!

Hellooo peepoo! It had been realreal long since I last posted. Well, is not I'm lazy I've been hardworking for th past weeks. First of all, came back from IIP camp and turn out to be half dead because it so much worst than I expected it to be. Thinking that it would maybe be similar to last time NPCC ATC. However, I was totally wrong. Is 123456789 times worst than that. Gotten some experience from th camp, some bonding sessions, lotslots of mossy bites and last but not least a big fat white bandage. I sprained my left ankle after my sea expedition and also having a ugly scar on my right knee. Following on th next day was a land expedition and yeah I walk since 11++ till like 5++? And yes with my sprained ankle! Quite a tough one and I manage to survive though. Straight after th IIP camp rested for like 2 pathetic days and off to my attachment!

Walking into th campsite is a challenging one for me because it took bout 15mins of walking time before reaching campsite. The campsite was as dirty as I expected but still doesn't really wish to adapt to th environment. But knowing that having to stay there for four months, i still tell myself I hope I can adapt to it slightly. Although th six of us are together having our attachment however I don see any bonding between us. Or should I say only some of us is bonded but not th rest? Many things is going on, people are not happy with people; people is conplaining about people; people commenting on people. Things still carrys on and I guess none of us are really happy bout our attachment. Sigh. Being a attachment at th company totally makes us look so out of place. I guess I'm really not a outdoor person and I don have any foundation. Good luck to myself for th upcoming back to back camp. From Monday to Friday, won be updating until weekends. I suppose.

Putting aside from work, I had been really trying hard to forget things that I should not remember. I should say it's a torture to my heart and everytime I thought of that I never fail to cry. For being Stoopid? Silly? Foolish? Fill in th blank yourself. I don look as strong as you think. I wish I was so much stronger to withhold all th pain that you are giving me. Th incident is not as easy as ABC to forget, I wish it could be this simple. I told myself to trust you totally until wad I saw yesterday. I was in th toilet and I couldn't find any excuses for you anymore. That is why when I came out I look pissed. Sigh. Tell me bout it, who is willing to share th heart of th person you like with others???

Happiness is not my friendd !

Hellooo blog! Im back here after longlong ranting post yesterday. Because I couldnt find anything meaningful to do. Anyway, I will be off to my attachment camp soon. In just a few days time and after th camp I will be officially off to attachment. Hahaha, I guess no one will even miss me or realise that Im not even around. I guess without me, everyone is better off. Too much of feelings really makes me feeling tired. Maybe few days of torturing camp will make me feel better (?)

Im seriously dead bored at home and negative thoughts keep coming after me. My mood was in a terrible state I should say. I couldnt find myself smiling everyday because there is always something Im worried about. Anyway, I predicted that during th camp I will shed lots of tears again. Ahhhh why is there so much things I need to worry about and it seem so never ending to me? I want to be happy. Pure happiness tends to be pretty simple however lil of us manage to enjoy this.

He went to swim with his friends after his class. Chatted with him awhile after his lesson ended & there he go offline without a Bye. Ha! ( No Expression! )

Nothing else to say, shall keep my mind free from all worries! But I doubt I would be able to do it.

Saying is always easier than doing. Get what I mean?!

I'm nothing.

Give blogging a miss for straight six days. Too much feeling that I did not even know how to put it into words.

Perhaps, I should begin my post with a question.

How would you feel if your girlfriend/boyfriend says he/she love another person more than you?

The fact that we got together, really looks like a fairytale to me. Because you'll ended up with th one you love. Sounds perfect uh? However, th fairytale aint just ends here. Recalling few months back, when I just get to know him, I already know that he likes her. However, somehow or somewhat I still ended up with him. Questions keep ringing in my head how come he could like her and ended up with me that fast. I console myself telling myself that not to think so much and everything is going to work well if I use my heart and true feelings to love him. Out of curiousity, one fine day I manage to get a chance and ask him am I just simply a replacement for her? Well, he answered nope he never take me as an replacement. Of course, at that particular moment I was happy.

Few days back, I happen to ask him another random question due to some random topic we chatted. I asked him, comparing both of us you still love her more rite? His answer to me was a definite yes. I was literally shocked for a moment but my heart told me that isnt that is the answer you expected? I didnt know how to react at that moment, i went totally quiet. All I did was looking out of th window and trying hard to hold back my tears. After one or two days later, I decided to ask him another time. Same question was asked again and of course I got th same answer. This time I was at my house lying on my bed and stoned for a moment. I tried to hold back my tears once again, however I couldnt do it this time round. I din wish to let him know Im crying therefore crying silently on th bed. Each time I was told with that answer, my heart breaks once. My heart is getting so tired and Im trying to make my heart stay strong. He asked me if I cried but my question back to him was would there be a different if I cry or not. He told me that if I cried means that I still do cares for him and he will love me, if I din cry means I din concern him anymore but he will still loves me. After listening to what he say, I heart simply tell me that even he loves me but that amount of love will never overtake th love he had for her. My heart sank but what can I say about that? I know that no matter how hard I work how much love and effort I put in for you, I'll never be able to replace her in your heart. Rite?

In conclusion from th above, I wasnt her replacement because I wasnt even fit to become a replacement. She couldnt be replace by anyone in his heart. Im not good enough to even become her replacement. Honestly speaking, I know exactly that I wasnt pretty, smart nor cute. What can I use to even replace her? Im only using my true feeling for him and whatever I feel that is within my control or limit I already tried my very best to do it. 是我爱得不好，还是我爱得不够多?